Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Immediately after Alice and Drake died I felt the need to get my emotions out. I started a journal and also started reading blogs. After spending several hours a day reading blogs I decided to start my own. At the time, I immersed myself in my grief and the grief of others. I was obsessed with reading about other people who had lost babies. My babies were on my mind constantly, burned into my brain like an image too long on a plasma television. Zoloft stole my emotions but not my obsession. Then one day I realized the sick masochist I had become. I submitted myself to heart wrenching pain everyday, I actually chose it! I wanted to feel pain, I wanted to cry, I wanted to feel like my world had fallen apart. I was dwelling on the death of my children, drowning myself in grief and reinforcing it by surrounding myself in the grief of others. I realized I was out of control so I stopped. Just like that, I quit reading my usual blogs, I quit writing on my own blog. I am a mother to twins who are dead but that is not all that I am. Actually, I'm much more and if I allow myself to be defined by my children's death, I will never be content. I will never be happy. That pit of despair is dark and deep, I looked into it, I actually threw down a rope and decided to check it out, but its not for me. So, its been almost 31/2 months since my babies died and I feel better. I don't even feel guilty about not writing for so long, I needed a break. I'm back now, ready to continue with my life and my blog. My heartstrings are still tender and I think of Alice and Drake every day and sometimes I cry. But I laugh alot, like I used to, and I don't feel guilty about that either.