Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Wow, its been a while and I'm not sorry

Immediately after Alice and Drake died I felt the need to get my emotions out.  I started a journal and also started reading blogs.  After spending several hours a day reading blogs I decided to start my own.  At the time, I immersed myself in my grief and the grief of others.  I was obsessed with reading about other people who had lost babies.  My babies were on my mind constantly, burned into my brain like an image too long on a plasma television.  Zoloft stole my emotions but not my obsession.  Then one day I realized the sick masochist I had become.  I submitted myself to heart wrenching pain everyday, I actually chose it!  I wanted to feel pain, I wanted to cry, I wanted to feel like my world had fallen apart.  I was dwelling on the death of my children, drowning  myself in grief and reinforcing it by surrounding myself in the grief of others.  I realized I was out of control so I stopped.  Just like that, I quit reading my usual blogs, I quit writing on my own blog.  I am a mother to twins who are dead but that is not all that I am.  Actually, I'm much more and if I allow myself to be defined by my children's death, I will never be content.  I will never be happy.  That pit of despair is dark and deep, I looked into it, I actually threw down a rope and decided to check it out, but its not for me.  So, its been almost 31/2 months since my babies died and I feel better.  I don't even feel guilty about not writing for so long, I needed a break.  I'm back now, ready to continue with my life and my blog.  My heartstrings are still tender and I think of Alice and Drake every day and sometimes I cry.  But I laugh alot, like I used to, and I don't feel guilty about that either.