Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Wow, its been a while and I'm not sorry

Immediately after Alice and Drake died I felt the need to get my emotions out.  I started a journal and also started reading blogs.  After spending several hours a day reading blogs I decided to start my own.  At the time, I immersed myself in my grief and the grief of others.  I was obsessed with reading about other people who had lost babies.  My babies were on my mind constantly, burned into my brain like an image too long on a plasma television.  Zoloft stole my emotions but not my obsession.  Then one day I realized the sick masochist I had become.  I submitted myself to heart wrenching pain everyday, I actually chose it!  I wanted to feel pain, I wanted to cry, I wanted to feel like my world had fallen apart.  I was dwelling on the death of my children, drowning  myself in grief and reinforcing it by surrounding myself in the grief of others.  I realized I was out of control so I stopped.  Just like that, I quit reading my usual blogs, I quit writing on my own blog.  I am a mother to twins who are dead but that is not all that I am.  Actually, I'm much more and if I allow myself to be defined by my children's death, I will never be content.  I will never be happy.  That pit of despair is dark and deep, I looked into it, I actually threw down a rope and decided to check it out, but its not for me.  So, its been almost 31/2 months since my babies died and I feel better.  I don't even feel guilty about not writing for so long, I needed a break.  I'm back now, ready to continue with my life and my blog.  My heartstrings are still tender and I think of Alice and Drake every day and sometimes I cry.  But I laugh alot, like I used to, and I don't feel guilty about that either.

1 comment:

  1. Glad that you are in a better place. You shouldn't feel guilty or sorry about that. I'm sure you will continue to think of your beautiful twins, Alice and Drake, every day but I believe that you are right, you can't let their deaths define you. If you find that reading or writing in these parts is reinforcing your grief perhaps this is not the right place of you to be right now. x