I'm Not Dreaming

I quit blogging for a while and my life is so different now. I read my old posts and I am reminded of that grieving, hurt person and I am thankful for time.  For truly, time is the only thing that lessens the hurt.   I wear a small silver heart around my neck that holds some of their ashes.  I sometimes rub my thumb over it and feel the smooth surface but I barely feel its brush on my skin most days.  Then there are some days where the weight of that small pendant brings me to my knees.  I have a living daughter now.  She is almost nine months and gives me joy that I didn't think would be possible after the twins died.  I spent the last four and a half months of the pregnancy on bed rest and ended up having to be induced at 41 weeks.  The little tater was so big she wouldn't fit under the pelvic bone and after 12 hours of labor I delivered via c-section.  It was a long, difficult journey but I have a living child.  She is real.  I can hold her, sing to her, feed her and love her and she exists in my arms.  She is real.  A chubby little baby with 4 teeth (two canines on the top which I dubbed her "baby fangs"), ten fingers, ten toes and an appetite you wouldn't believe. She is real. She loves to sing with a high pitch hum and turn flips while I hold her arms.  She is real.  She is real. She is real.  Someone please pinch me.